Nugarum
by Absolute Edge
Summary: "There are forces few and far between capable of combating idiocy; one such force is a bolt round to the head or an open airlock but other than that, well, that's why we have the Emperor." - Saint Alys Thea on the Greatest Obstacles of the 41st Millennium / Nothing messed up with this story, haha that's a first / rated T for suggestive themes and language


**Author's note: Sorry everyone for taking so damn long to update **_**anything **_**but between moving into my new house, getting all our shit sorted, getting the wife a new truck, managing work and medical, and getting our leave plans set up I've honestly just not had the time. So here's a bonus thing I had tossed together while we were stuck at the Manas Air Base Transit Center a few weeks ago. Took the raw crap and tried to dress it up a bit as fast as possible, added some meh'ne'en'neh, and called it fucking good.**

_**Ah… comedy, the rare -albeit lacking- side of me. A wise man once said, 'The people around you are acting out a never ending tragedy as they live their lives but should you stop and watch those around you you'll soon realize the subtle comedy that slips unnoticed by them.' Apologies in advance but, hey, in the name of Chaos and spikey bits and shit suffer for the sake of suffering.**_

**And as always, **_**enjoy.**_

* * *

**Nugarum**

By: Absolute Edge

* * *

"_There are forces few and far between capable of combating idiocy; one such force is a bolt round to the head or an open airlock but other than that, well, that's why we have the Emperor."_

- Saint Alys Thea on the Greatest Obstacles of the 41st Millennium

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**PART 1**

* * *

"So… where're we going?" Battle Sister Elizabeth asked looking over at her squad commander while she shifted her slung meltagun to a more comfortable position.

"Holy Emperor's balls Liz _stop asking!_" Militant Advance Lynette said glaring over her shoulder at her squad's weapon specialist.

"Well then maybe you should've answered me the first few times because now I'm just going to hang back and play with my di-"

"Okay _fuck!_ We're going to outpost Charlie to relieve them of the prisoner they have."

"See, that wasn't so hard now, was it?" Liz said with a smile and looked away. "Wait, a pris-"

"You've been hanging around the Guardsmen again haven't you?" Celestria leaned the Imperialis standard into her left shoulder to free up her right hand in order to deliver a playful punch to Liz.

"You know it Chell, but what'd she say about a-"

"Just shut it! This is still considered to be a contested area and I need you to focus more on scanning your sectors and less on asking pointless questions." Lynn jabbed her chainsword in Liz's general direction without looking.

A few seconds of dead silence passed but Liz couldn't help herself, "so what's with this prisoner?"

"Emperor, I know you're testing me but I've got to warn you… I'm only a C student." Lynn sighed and dipped her head.

"Why are we picking up a prisoner? I thought we didn't take prisoners?" Chell asked immediately after her commander finished groaning.

"Well as it turns out outpost Charlie-"

"Wait why does she get to ask questions but when I do I get yelled at?" Liz blurted out.

"Because _she_ gives me the two damn seconds I need to reply and _you_ just mumble along nonstop before I can answer!" Lynn yelled slamming her chainsword into the ground by her feet.

"I don't mumble… damn stupid little…"

"Outpost Charlie is so undermanned they can't spare the personnel to watch him and they're so undersupplied they can't spare the resources to provide for him. However, the way it was explained to me during the debrief, the Sister Superior in charge put the prisoner on the _honor system_ thus taking care of both problems."

"So… he's guarding _himself?_" Chell asked with a sarcastic laugh.

"Yes." Chell laughed again.

"You're joking right? You _are_ joking- oh wait I forgot you lost your sense of humor when you made Militant Advance last week." Chell said with a light chuckle, Lynn smirked but said nothing.

"Wait, wait, wait… isn't _Veteran _Sister Superior Juliet in command of outpost Charlie?" Liz asked slowly as her brain processed the information.

"Yes, and even with an undermanned and underequipped squad she's demonstrating to us all why the Ecclesiarchy favors her so." Lynn replied with a nod.

"Isn't Superior Juliet a highly dedicated highly motivated highly hardcore cultist killing Emperor worshiping machine?" It didn't seem as if anything could stop the specialist's line of questioning but Lynn was looking on the brighter side and thanking the Emperor that Liz wasn't begging to know if they'd reached their destination every ten seconds.

"Yes, she is indeed a role model for us all." Now that Lynn got to thinking of how long this trek would take she took a glance down at her wrist mounted computer to see what the GPS had to say, roughly another thirty minutes on the main road. She noticed a small back road that would cut that time in half… but it passes straight through cultist held territory. Oh, hold on a second, not _just_ cultist held territory but _Nurgle_ cultist held territory so now her initial plan of _not_ taking the side road to begin with had been pushed so far out of the question it was no long in the same solar system as them, _fucking Nurgle._

"So you're telling me that this perfect example of Sororita badassery went out of her way to not only _capture_ a Chaos turd but then proceeded to put him on the _honor system_… We are talking about the _same_ Veteran Sister Superior Juliet right?"

"Yes, we are."

"The _same_ Superior Juliet who considers is a waste of Imperial resources to provide a servant of the Chaos turds _anything more_ than a bolt round to the dome?"

"Or a melta up the arse, she added that one recently." Lynn said with a smile, Celestria laughed loudly.

"Are you-"

"_It's the same Juliet okay?!_ Good, now we're playing the quiet game, ready set go." Lynn said quickly and ended the conversation.

* * *

**PART DOS**

* * *

"_-Nnnngh- _Dear Emperor that's good… Where were you three _-hnn-_ weeks ago?" Juliet sighed in approval but suddenly the fingers halted their spine tingling motions. She felt their nails hesitating over her skin and inching back and forth just close enough to graze her flesh with each pass; it was giving her goose bumps.

"Hmm… three weeks ago? I was… umm…"

Juliet glanced over her shoulder and quickly blew a few stray strands of gleaming platinum white hair out of her eyes and raised an eyebrow, but her amused smirk was plastered to her face and wouldn't go away. "It was _rhetorical_ you traitorous bastard."

"Oh… oh yeah, sure _-pfft -_I knew- I knew _that!_ Of course it was- I have no idea what that means."

"Emperor help me, if you weren't such a heretical blasphemer I'd marry the shit out of you." Juliet laughed and laid her head back down, "Anyways, I have this nasty kink in my lower back if you could just- wait what are you doing?"

"You said _lower_ back…"

Juliet felt calloused hands firmly grip her wrists and pull them back as a foot was gently planted just above her tailbone. He pulled her backwards slowly while his foot prevented the small section of her back from bending. Suddenly a sick crack echoed in the small room and Juliet gasped loudly before letting out a long breath.

"Fuck _yeesss_… that's the spot." Juliet hissed pleasantly as she was lowered back down and felt the man's pelvis press up against her rear as he straddled her thighs getting back into position.

There was a sudden knock at the door just as his fingers began to dance across her bare back and Juliet groaned in irritation. "I swear on the Emperor's left testicle… just go away! I'm… busy… with stuff."

"Juliet, its Monique, apologies for interrupting your interrogation session but the squad from command has arrived to pick up Mikey." Monique said, her voice muffled by the door.

"And? Just give them the grand tour, show them the defenses, something, _anything,_ it's been months since I've been able to relieve any stress and I don't want to be disturbed for… _at least_ another ten minutes."

"Apologies ma'am but their squad commander would also like a word."

"But _mom!" _Juliet whined and tried to think up an excuse, she failed, "Emperor damnit, _fine!_ Send her in."

The door swung open and a fully armored Sister took a step into the room, "Veteran Sister Su- what in the Emperor's name is… is he- why in the fuck is a cultist giving you a back massage?"

"I don't understand the question." Mikey said leaning forwards to press down hard on Juliet's back, there was a series of soft cracks. Juliet moaned softly, her toes curled slightly, and she twisted her head around to face the newcomer.

"Don't confuse him Sister his mind is delicate." Juliet said simply, "I'm Veteran Sister blah-blah Juliet Menrau commander of outpost Charlie and squad Juliet, and you are?"

"Militant Advance Lynnette, commander of squad Lynn." Though the hardened veteran's surprisingly nonchalant demeanor was dreadfully disappointing Lynn still snapped to attention when acknowledged by her better; one of her hands was gripped tightly around the bolt pistol on her hip.

"Lynn then, anyways-"

"That's a pretty name." Mikey had been staring at Lynn since she'd entered the room but his hands seemed to have a mind of their own as they crept up and down Juliet's back.

"Agreed, now then, what _-ugh!-_ oh wow, anyways, what was it you wanted to talk about Lynn?" Juliet asked lying her head down.

"Who are you? Who sent you? I bet you're a Chaos spy!" Mikey blurted out pointing an accusing finger at Lynn.

"Emperor damnit, Mikey _you_ are a servant of Chaos soif _she_ was a Chaos spy then why would _you_ rat her out to _me?_" Juliet raised an eyebrow and stared at him.

Mikey's finger curled back and he tilted his head before jabbing it back at Lynn with newfound motivation, "Exactly, no one would ever suspect that!" Juliet rolled her eyes but smiled regardless.

"No…" Lynn said slowly, somewhat confused, and her grip on her pistol loosed. Apparently their prisoner was a damned idiot.

"Then perhaps _Steve_ is the spy!" Mikey's finger whipped around and pointed at a small dot on the wall, upon closer inspection Lynn found it to be a small fly.

"It was _you_ wasn't it Steve!" Steve the fly hopped off the wall and flew down to land on Mikey's fingernail and simply stared at him buzzing its wings. "I should've known… it was you all along wasn't it!? You sneaky little bugger you."

"_Mikey!_" Juliet said firmly and slammed her hand into the ground to get his attention; he jumped slightly and stared at her. Lynn noticed the fly had also turned its attention towards the Sister Superior and was suddenly very uncomfortable with the thought of an intelligent fly, "Less talking, more massaging."

"Very well…" He turned to the fly that had begun running laps around his fingernail, "you win this round… _Steve!"_ The fly flew away and planted itself back up on the wall before being joined by two more. Lynn wasn't surprised that the flies had formed up into a triangle to make a vague representation of Nurgle's mark.

"Huh, plague flies?" Lynn asked to herself.

"Yup," Juliet replied, "there's Kor-something-something, Ny-I-don't-know, and Steve."

"Kor'Kerakesh of the Dread Fort and ruler of the Badlands and Naizeekyen of the Ire Citadel and master of the Black Marshes," Mikey corrected, "But you can call them Kor and Zeek. Steve is just Steve…" He leaned closer to Lynn and whispered, "He doesn't get out much."

"I see…" Lynn glanced at Juliet who simply shrugged.

Suddenly Mikey jerked his head around, "You didn't hear _anything _Steve!"

"Right, anyways, I thought Monique said you were interrogating the prisoner… not relaxing with him." Lynn said slowly as she watched Mikey ball his hands to fists and grind his knuckles up either side of Juliet's spine.

"We've _-uuh!-_ reached a mutual agreement that a quick break would do us both a world of good."

Lynn noticed thin red lines running along Mikey's bare skull, though stark in contrast to his pale, slightly blue-tinted skin Lynn hadn't exactly been looking at the finer details of this traitor, "doing some torturing I take it, get any information outta him?"

"Torture?" Juliet looked up and Lynn gestured to Mikey's head. "Oh no, no, no, see that's just from these," Juliet wiggled her fingers to indicate her sharp nails, "give Mikey a good head scratch and he just melts like butter."

"Oh…" Lynn was at a loss and shifted her weight awkwardly.

"Go on give him a scratch."

"Oh no I don't think-"

"No, no its fine go ahead."

"Seriously I'm not sure-"

"That's an order."

"Shit."

After taking a few breaths Lynn slipped off her gauntlet and took a cautious step towards the cultist. Her hand inched towards Mikey's head and though they had just held a conversation about him the plague cultists didn't seem the wiser.

Lynn gathered her strength and set the tips of her fingers down on Mikey's head. The cultist froze and for a moment Lynn marveled over the icy touch of his flesh, _as cold as a corpse_. Lynn huffed in amusement as she realized the unintended pun and allowed her nails to drag up and down Mikey's cranium.

Mikey's hands went flat against Juliet's back and his breathing came slowly. Gradually he began to lean in closer to Lynn until his head was resting up against her thigh. Lynn caught herself smiling and noticed Mikey's eyes had slipped closed and stopped scratching, he didn't move.

"Fucking adorable isn't he?" Juliet whispered, "See why I couldn't just kill him?"

"He is… interesting, I'll give him that much."

"And here I am thinking it was because of my _stunning good looks._" Mikey whispered.

Juliet reached over and grabbed what looked to be a window cleaner squirt bottle with a crudely drawn Imperial Eagle on either side and gave Mikey a few good shots with it. The plague cultist threw his hands up with a hiss and rolled off Juliet and away from her squirt bottle.

"Ah! Nurgle save me!" Mikey cried as he backed away holding his hands out before him trying to block Juliet's shots.

"Ha ha! Feel the wrath of the Emperor Chaos scum!" Juliet laughed letting off a few more blasts of her squirt bottle.

"Hey… that's uncalled for." Mikey muttered suddenly upset and offended.

"Oh, _-pfft-_ what_ever_," Juliet laughed once and set her squirt bottle aside, "now go bother Monique or Hillary or someone."

Mikey jumped up and quickly slipped around Lynn and through the door with a mischievous giggle leaving Lynn alone with the half-naked Veteran Sister. Right as Lynn was about to take a step the three flies flew by her face in pursuit. She jumped in surprise and swatted at them, missing horribly of course. The flies halted and stared at Lynn for a few disturbing seconds before flying away.

"Well that was strange." Lynn muttered and took a seat in a wooden chair by the door. "What's with the squirt bottle?"

Juliet rolled onto her back and sat up so she was facing Lynn, "I told Mikey it's holy water blessed by the Emperor himself." Juliet smirked and slipped on a plain black shirt.

"And he believes that?" Lynn asked confounded. "For real?"

"He sure does. Told him the Emperor came out here to shitfuck nowhere just to bless this squirt bottle so I could keep him in line without having to waste ammo." Juliet smiled and shook her head.

"Why would it be wasted?"

"Apparently Mikey can't die. Just takes the hits and then complains about how mean we're being to him."

"You're shitting me." Lynn leaned forwards, "Mikey can't die?"

"Nope," Juliet lied back down and stared up at the ceiling, "We'd found him lying on the ground staring up at the sky and talking to himself. I'd thought he was just another cultist who'd lost their marbles to Chaos so I put a bolt round through his head and you know what?"

"Hmm?"

"He looked over at me with those fucking beautiful green eyes and said, 'ow.'"

"And the rest is history?"

"Indeed, not like we could kill him and he didn't seem keen on attacking us for whatever but when we went to leave he started following us. So we tied him up and left him there, five minutes later he's following us again. Those fucking flies of his untied him somehow, they're pretty talented you'd be surprised." Juliet sighed and sat back up.

"Wow, that's quite the tale."

"Eh, I've told better, but anyways, what was it you wanted to talk about before we got horribly sidetracked?"

* * *

**(\(\;;/)/)  
**(MOTHERFUCKING SPIDERS)

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"Mikey! _Mikey!_" Monique yelled from across the room.

"_Whaaat_?" Mikey yelled back as he opened the fridge.

"Mikey you should make us sandwiches." Hillary asked sitting at the small table besides Monique.

"No go make your own." Mikey said taking out a bottle of water.

"I'm cleaning my damn bolter Mikey make me a sandwich bitch!" Monique yelled.

"Holy fuck fine!"

"Mikey… what's for lunch?" Hillary asked as she began disassembling her bolter.

"My super amazing Nurgalizingly orgasmic Plague Sammichs."

"Can I have mine with extra pickles?" Monique asked as she ran a cleaning rod through the barrel of her bolter.

"Mmm… yes."

"And hold the Rot."

"Mmm… no."

"Mikey hold the Rot!"

"No, it's called a Plague Sammich for a reason!"

"_Hold the fucking Rot Mikey!_"

"For the love of _Furor Fasciitis Necrosis Refero_ just calm the _fuck_ down!" Mikey cried slamming his water bottle down on the table.

"Bitch, I'll break your neck with my pinky toe." Monique said pointing her cleaning rod at him.

"I know you will… you did it yesterday."

"Damn right I did." She snickered and jabbed the rod in his direction before cursing as the cloth fell off the end.

"I'm going to shit in your helmet tonight…" Mikey muttered as he began pulling sandwich supplies out of the fridge.

Monique snapped upright. "What did you say?"

"I said, 'it's going to be nice at the lake tonight!'"

"No you didn't!"

"I _so_ did."

"I think he's lying." Hillary commented without looking up.

"I have _three_ witnesses who will testify on my behalf!" Mikey stated as his three flies landed on his shoulder. "Yeah, you said it Kor."

"That's bullshit you're a Chaos buttmuncher that makes you a liar!" Monique said slapping her bolt carrier back into the weapon.

"That's horrible! Just because I'm part of an organization bent on taking over this world in the name of Nurgle doesn't make me an untrustworthy individual!"

Monique snapped the weapon halves back together and sent the bolt forward into the rack safe configuration. "It so does!"

"You're just a fucking asshole who's mean to me!"

"It's not my fault you chose to be a traitor!"

Mikey jabbed the pickle jar at Monique. "That's it! _That's it!_ You're getting an STD." He went around the room pointing at Hillary and the two new Sisters as well, "You're getting an STD, and you are, and you!_ Everyone gets a fucking STD tonight!_"

There was a long pause while Monique and Hillary looked at each other before glancing at the new girls. Neither of them had removed their helmets and apparently had been aiming their weapons at Mikey the whole time. However, since Mikey is practically oblivious to all but direct harm he didn't notice.

The girl with the Imperialis standard spoke up, "It's ST_V_ now. They've been reclassified as viruses." They all stared at her for the longest moment which caused her to shift uneasily, her bolt pistol wavered slightly. "What?"

"You're more concerned with the technicalities than the fact that he's planning on giving us all STD's?" Monique asked in disbelief.

"ST_V_'s, and yes. If we stop using proper technical and politically correct terms then we're no better than a mob."

"I have no- _you're_ getting one first!" Mikey said as he struggled with the pickle jar.

"Having trouble?" Monique asked with a smile as she slapped a magazine into her bolter.

"NO!" Mikey yelled before sighing and setting the jar down. "Yes…"

"I'll get it." Hillary said setting her wire snake and upper receiver down and walking around the table. She pushed Mikey up against the fridge and held up the jar. "But on one condition."

"Okay… what is it?" Hillary leaned in close and whispered softly in his ear.

Although no one could hear what Hillary had demanded everyone could clearly see Mikey's eyes pique in surprise and hear the combined buzz of his excited flies.

"Oh… my…" Mikey whispered and one of his flies landed on the jar buzzing its wings furiously, "Yup Zeek that is _exactly_ what she said." Mikey looked over to the others and presented a thumbs up, "Nobody's getting an STD tonight!"

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**Final note: I feel the need to put in a few words of caution. To those of you who are light hearted with weak stomachs please refrain from reading my other stories for they may disturb you. I am a horror writer by trade, what you just read was a fluke of sanity and is not to be interpreted as an invitation to assume that all of my stories are similar in nature; quite the opposite. Just thought the non-horror readers should be made aware… save them some trauma and stuff. Have a nice day.**

**I may or may not continue this as I descend into madness.**

**Also, dear FF where are my 'Nurgle' and 'Cultist' options under the Character selections tab? Please and thank you.**


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